I’m not sure if the death of those around me will come with any real significance. I have become who I am more from the absence, or perceived absence, of those generally considered to be the influencing factors on the foundations of one’s life, than their presence. The words of certain people in my life given to me, generally from those considered to be influencing factors, have come with little impact when put into context with their actions.

I think often what anyone means to me. Sometimes I get the thoughts that I am all there is in my life and many times in my life that has been backed by reality. There is a woman in my life but often times I wonder if she’s really a part of it as well, if she’s really become entangled with my life. When I explore these thoughts to their ends, I find that I remain the same outside of even her influence.

I have wondered before if it is odd to think this way, if others don’t have the same conditions leading to this form of thought. I like to classify thoughts like these as being those of the black sun. Thoughts that bring about unpleasantness, doubt, shame, guilt, hatred, any feeling that steals from the peace of a persons mind. I think thoughts like this are birthed from the black sun.

Why should I question these afore mentioned things at all unless there was reason to doubt that there is anyone really, truly, in my life? There has to be an origin of all thoughts. So, I find that either it really is true that I have no one but myself, or, that there is some other origin for the thought. That, I contribute to the black sun. When thoughts of this origin come up it takes me to a place that I feel some part of me exists in at all points. It seems there’s some part of me, a more conscious part, that tricks itself into thinking that beneath the black sun is not where we belong. However, it seems that if any sprout of thought is taken to its roots it’s seen the origin lies within that same shadow the more harmful thoughts exist within.

I think it’s kind of ironic that I’m my wonder of the origin, or if an origin exists at all, of these different thoughts I am always lead to the same end (the very origin that’s existence I’m questioning). Is it a concept I created in order to create an origin? Or do I have the thoughts I do as a way to open my eyes to these contrasting powers (the black sun vs the setting sun) that do exists, and that everyone lives within the influence of. Another irony of this existence is the common doubt that anything of the sort (the back sun, or, an origin of all “bad” thought) actually exists, or if I am a victim to it. That is, if there really is anything wrong with my thoughts or if there really is anything making me feel the negative ways I do. It seems however that as doubt too is a product of such origin, the doubt itself is proof of the origin as doubt could not exist without coming from something. It too makes sense that doubt would be brought about in opposition to my exploration of how to exist within, or escape, it’s shadow.

This writing has veered far from the initial, intended, more focused topic, but like I said, in the exploration of thoughts such as those that I mentioned, I always seem to end in one particular place.

I apologize to any readers for how all over the place this post is, I wrote it while driving across the country at 3 a.m. It is really just a thought that occurred being explored in the natural progression that takes place with any thought I have. I really just want these posts to be a roadmap or explanation of how I think or why I am the way I am, however that may be, so that I can have a better understanding, and become more capable at explaining it out loud to someone when questioned. Thank you for reading, I truly appreciate the fact that even one person might take the time to read, and possibly enjoy, what I write.

With all hopes of future joys,

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