I don’t particularly want to be here at the moment. Though, I could say that in most instances.

I feel like I’m beginning to see more of myself than I have previously.

I don’t think I feel particularly well about myself. I go through times that I display a false sense of self esteem to myself, but at times like the present, I tear it down.

I say I don’t want to be here but Im unsure on the boundaries of “here”. I want to find the place that would bring me out of the state that I’m in. I wonder what would need to change in order for that condition to be met.

I’m unsure on what I’m writing for. I don’t exactly know the effectiveness of me writing, nor how I expect to reach the sort of idea the motivation of creating this blog came from.

I want responses, I want discussion, I want to know that my writing is being read. Properly read. However, when I imagine the type of community I hope to create I can only envision myself. As if, the reason I’m writing is because it’s something I would find comfort in reading if it were someone else’s words.

I don’t want to be here in the moment. But I’m not sure what sort of imagined reality I have of if I were to leave. Whether it’s “leave” in a more severe sense, or just to go to a new place. I have a hope if I went to a new place the people around me, and myself, would exist differently. As if it’s not my own action dictating the environment that I’m in. As if I’m not the problem, but the environment and reality that I exist within is.

I feel as if, if I were to go to a new place, it would be as if I was stepping into a new life. The life of an imagined version of me, in which I also construct all those around me, and all interactions I have. Perhaps the place that holds my imagined reality exists. But, I don’t think I belong in it. I don’t believe I belong in any place, perhaps not at all.

I would appreciate any response, any advice on how to expose this page to more people outside of other people who write blogs. But regardless of who you are, thank you for reading.

With all hopes of future joys,

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