I really feel like right now I’m at a stand still in my progression towards my future. I think this may be a response to trying to feel better about things, to feel better about myself. A response to me trying to be more honest with others, and more honest with myself. You see, I feel like when I get into a point where I start feeling “better” it’s as if a curtain or fog has been removed. A curtain or fog that covered the processes of my thoughts, that covered the process in which I make my decisions on. What I’m trying to say by this is, when I am feeling bad about just generally being alive, I feel like I create this sort of cover up purpose or plan to achieve some goal, in order to motivate me to keep living or being productive. So for the months or years that I exist within these bad feelings (or the black sun) I base every decision on the purpose or goal, that it turns out was only made as a coping mechanism. So then, when I feel good and I have no need for this artificial motivating purpose, the goals and the plans to achieve them, and everything I’ve based my life around, just crumble.

Unfortunately there is a huge issue with this. Imagine, there are things that you based every action you take on, and then suddenly one day, said thing just become completely obsolete to you. Your plans mean nothing. Your expectations for yourself mean nothing. Your purpose means nothing. Where do you go from here? What do you work towards everyday? What do you plan on doing with your life?

That’s where I am at now. I want to break past all these things that aren’t truly what I am. All these circumstances that my coping has put me into. I just want to give myself a life in which I stay happy. But in that, I feel as if I have to destroy progress that my other self has worked towards. I am so hesitant though, and so I feel so lost. And feelings like that are what lead to the return of the black sun. And thus, the cycle will continue.

It’s funny, I have many opportunities at the moment, many that I have made for myself through trying to escape the black sun. But I don’t want any of them, any of the outcomes. There is this image of the life I want in my head, and it’s funny because it’s such a lousy place. All I want, is to have a place, somewhere new that I’ve never been, where I can do art and become more than just myself. Where I can write for others to read. Where I can cook and share my food with those around me. Where I can create a life with people to share these things with. I don’t desire high standards, in fact I wish to desire nothing. I want to live as my real passions and purpose dictate.

I really hate it though… In the end I know I won’t get any of this. I know that in reality, I will have no one to share the things I want with, I will have no one to witness what I am. I don’t know if that’s my fault, or just the state of the world, but I feel as if the life that I truly want, is one that will only exist in my thoughts, in my dreams, and in my hope.

So maybe, I’ll just pursue a life.. I’ve convinced myself I want.

With all hopes of future joys-

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