I had been thinking of you so much these last weeks. Writing many words I never intended on you seeing. Or at least I had thought possibility was out of reach. However, for you to reach out to me seemed like such a natural conclusion to these last two years. It came so easily to me it’s as if I had been sitting beside the phone awaiting a call that had been promised.

It’s embarrassing how quickly I fall back into you. Especially when I am the only one that feels this way. It’s a one sided avail, and your presence makes me a parasite. Where the faintest sliver of my hopes have been fulfilled you attest only to sadness. That I would have it my way would be against your wish. And yet my ultimate hope is for your happiness.

I was nervous when I spoke those first words on the phone. I didn’t use my real voice at first until I remembered who you were. Who you had been to me. I didn’t speak much at any point either, when over texts I had so much to say. 

It’s different when confronted with your voice. Especially the tone you had. A hurt empty tone. A tired tone that let me know I was talking to someone new. I felt the anxieties of first introductions and strange faces. Worse than that I had so much to correct. I was so concerned with forming the perfect words that by the time I got them out, I had lost them altogether, and eventually you were gone. You were right. Maybe we don’t know each other now. I feel the same. But with that I felt both freedom and a drowning pressure. A pressure to present the best parts of myself. In a way that would show I have changed. But I did not have the words for you then. I just wanted to rest in your company for a moment. Familiarize myself with your tone. And then you told me you must go. That you’ll reach out when you have things sorted in your head. But that’s what we’ve both been trying to do for so long. That’s what we tried and failed to help each other do.

I have never been so eager to meet someone. Especially not for the second time. To be disgusted with how much has changed, and taken by the parts of us that were only made visible through our distance. That I could know you with the appreciation I’ve learned, is an experience that I would suffer in my love to know. Even if it is not your want for us to be together, I could surrender all expectation to know you in the slightest.

I have been writing again. I also began reading. Everything recently has been so mundane and yet, I’ve attempted to put my life to art. An art differently than past had had it. If a person could be fully and completely understood, infinite witness would be gained on Earth. Within one person you could secure complete meaning, and in you them. That is truly the goal of love. And it is a goal that can only be achieved through word. Despite the endless obstacles that divide people, there is so much hope if you can slip through just a few words. As long as a passage for word is maintained, anything can be resolved, any understanding can be made, and infinite witness that is love can be achieved.

There is more coming soon, I just have to sort it all out.

I Hope You’re Okay,

Taylor M. Wilson