Now is one of the nights in which I question the reality of my existence. It is an explanation that I don’t think exists outside of the experience itself. It is similar to how I feel about my writing. This writing does not exist if there is no audience. Existence requires a witness I guess. Why should these words exist outside of my mind if the only one to experience them is myself. Not to say that one person reading these words means nothing. Every time these words exist to someone else furthers the degree to which the writing, and subsequently, I the author exist. But I wonder who I am writing to, for example, in this exact moment. I have no audience. I have no community. No one specifically that I intend these words to reach. I am just writing. There are thoughts that repeat over and over again until I put them somewhere other than my mind but the only person that these thoughts existed to is me. I guess essentially I am just writing to myself, responding to my own thoughts, and allowing others to read them. I hope that eventually that changes.

I am putting efforts towards something right now. I truly want to exist outside of myself. If the way I project myself to others is not completely what I am, then I fear no part of me truly exists. I want to live as if there is no separation between who I am internally, and who I am externally. I can’t however, seem to communicate who I am in any way but through my writing. And further, I can’t seem to share my writing either. I want to be able to be more open about things in my life to the people around me. But it genuinely feels as if there is something making it impossible to do so. Not that I don’t have the means to, but like I am being physically stopped from speaking or going through with sharing even my writing. I feel as if this inability to communicate fully has ruined a lot of aspects of my life. Yet, at the same time, I feel that I have come to the point that I cannot speak honestly as a result of these aspects of my life. It’s one of those things where two issues create each other, and continue to do so. I think the only way to get out of this is to try to exist outside of yourself, as it is inside of yourself that this cycle exists. Like the saying “You can’t put out the fire from inside the house” or something like that. You can’t break the cycle if you still remain restrained by the cycle. That is the reason I am making this blog. So I can exist at least somewhat outside myself without exposing that I am what these words say to the people around me. Obviously anyone reading this knows, however they don’t know who I am so it really doesn’t matter I guess. I hope that slowly I can build up this existence and ability to communicate. And maybe I hope that someone around me will find this by some random chance, and then the issue of having to willingly exist outside myself just doesn’t really matter.

Another thing I am working on though, is trying to become better at communicating in person, but I feel I am still existing outside of myself to a lesser degree than I do in my writing. I have had to talk to several different counselors or therapists or whatever they are, and I have still not gotten to the point that I am with someone that I can talk to in a way that I exist outside of myself. And it’s not even my fault, I literally cannot talk to them. I have had 5 different appointments with different people that I thought I could talk to fully, only to find out that they just refer me to someone else “more fitted to what I need.” Then I just get passed on with another referral. It feels very annoying because right now I am in a place that I am willing to be open, but I know that mindset will only last for so long. I know soon I will return to the hopelessness of the black sun and seclude myself once more. Closing up and not communicating anything of who I am. I think that the intent in itself though is progress.

I have noticed something weird though. When I am talking to someone trying to explain why I am seeking help. I feel like I’m not there. Like the words aren’t mine. I feel like I am sitting outside of my body, but that its not MY body. That I am just like watching someone else talk words that I relate with. Maybe its because the words I am saying aren’t entirely true so I still can’t claim them as my own, even if in reality I am the one speaking them.

This has sort of just been me rambling and writing down my thoughts. I will try to start writing more like what I wrote yesterday, where I am actually maybe providing you with some advice or something. I don’t know, it helps me to write my thoughts in a way others can read them, and as you read in the post, it helps to know someone is reading what I post. So thank you. I will leave a link to my last posts if you want to go check those out as well I would appreciate it. Again thank you for reading.

With all hopes of future joys,

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